Fall TV Pilot Roundup #3, aka Are We Done Yet?

20 Oct

I’ve just about had an assload of television… and yet the pilots keep vomiting out of the abyss of the network studios! So here we go kids, time for roundup #3!

Made in Jersey – CBS

Initial Thoughts: To be honest, I put off watching this thing all week. It looked that bad. What I gathered, it was a loud mouthed stereotypical Jersey Girl  who was the assistant to tough NYC lawyers or something.

Thoughts Post Episode: I can’t believe that I’m going to admit this… it wasn’t that bad. It’s reminded me of Legally Blonde, except for a surprisingly smart blonde surprising everyone at Harvard, it was a surprisingly smart Jersey girl surprising everyone at a NYC Law firm as a “third chair” lawyer. It doesn’t come as any big surprise when you learn she’s fashion smart, has an overly obnoxious family, and magically sees things the veteran lawyers can’t when solving your run of the mill murder cases. The characters were solid, the writing was about what you’d expect from a Legally Blonde ripoff (complete with the big twist being something to do with hair.) It’s a little too fluffy for me to consider watching full time, but I can see people enjoying this.

Elementary – CBS

Initial Thoughts: I already hate this show. Hate. HATE. You wanna know why- I’ll tell you why: because the Sherlock Holmes thing is already- currently- being done (perfectly, might I add) by the BBC. And- AND! We just ended our own American awesome Sherlock Holmes series, otherwise known as House. (I’m amazed by how many people don’t know that House was Holmes. Watson= Wilson, vicadin=opium, impossible medical mysteries=impossible British mysteries, etc= etc) So screw you, CBS! I don’t want your renovated Sherlock Holmes!

Thoughts Post Episode: I don’t know what to say about this show, other than it needs to be canceled. If you really want to watch a Sherlock Holmes story, then do yourself a favor and watch Steven Moffat’s show “Sherlock”- it’s ten billion times better than this boring, flat, empty rehash of the same ol’ pair of characters. I know they tried to make Watson different by making her a girl and all but… it just doesn’t work. But! I will say while watching this I found myself of thinking of some other fresh spins on the Sherlock/Watson story…

Lock & Watts: The urban twist of two gang members who take it upon themselves to solve the crimes of their hood and take vengeance out on the rival gangs. Lock is book smart, self taught, but ultimately fell into a drug habit and became wrapped up in the neighborhood gang in order to survive. Watts is the shy guy who doesn’t want to be in a gang but has no where else to go.

Boutique on Baker’s Street: A gay couple who use their superior gossip smarts to battle it out on the catwalk. This will tragically fall victim to the catty gay man stereotype, but I’m still amused by the premise.

Th3 H0und: An infamous hacker uses his abilities to secretly solve world conspiracies (a la wikileaks) with his government agent friend Watson keeping him hidden from the countries who are desperate to reveal his identity and arrest him for treason.

Just… go rent Sherlock from Netflix. You’ll be glad you did.

Last Resort – ABC

Initial Thoughts: After seeing a commercial for this at my parents house, my dad turned to me and said “I’ll bet you the plot is about a submarine who receives orders to do something bad, they refuse, then the government goes after them and it’s all about the standoff.” I looked at him like he was nuts.

Thoughts Post Episode: I can’t believe my father was 100% dead on accurate. This show is exactly that- the submarine gets orders to nuke the middle east under shady situations and they refuse, causing them to be attacked by another American sub. They make landfall on an island that looks almost identical to the Lost island (also known as Oahu) and declare it neutral ground. A standoff occurs, the sub kinda? wins and they have to make a home on the island until a) they get an answer b) blown up by America. I gotta admit, I actually watched the second episode because I was very curious as to where they were going with it. It’s all about faux military operations/conspiracy – if I had to compare it to something, I’d call it a slower-paced 24, except Americans are the true terrorists (a decent twist). I’m hesitant about this show but the plot is pretty strong right now… I just don’t know where they can really go with it before it becomes overly repetitive and void of all suspense. If they were to throw in some more conspiracies, and flesh out the characters a bit more I think they could survive the season.

666 Park Avenue – ABC

Initial Thoughts: Oh man. I’m really hoping this is good. I mean… it has Locke from Lost! Vanessa Williams from Desperate Housewives! It’s about haunted things! What could go wrong!?

Thoughts Post Episode: This is one of those shows I wish they had done on cable. It’s just too… candyfluffy. I feel like this is running on the coattails of American Horror Story and it’s just not quite there. The problem is that they, at least in the pilot, turn to almost every single Haunted Building cliche in the book of Stories About Haunted Buildings. Throw in an overly-nice-yet-you-know-they’re-Mr.-And-Mrs.-Satan, a sweet and happy couple, a few mysteries, a creepy girl, and you have an equation for a big bowl of boring. I’m hoping though that this series pulls itself up past the pilot and becomes soap opera-y goodness because there is too much talent in this show for it to go tits-up.

Beauty and the Beast – CW

Initial Thoughts: Someone give me my cranky pants, because I hate this show too. I haven’t seen it yet but everything about it makes me foam at the mouth in rage. What’s wrong you ask? THERE IS NO BEAST. I only see two beauties: beautiful chick and beautiful guy with contacts. This Beauty and the Beast looks like the Twilight of Beauty and the Beasts and therefore I refuse to give this thing any respect going in. HATE.

Thoughts Post Episode: Yup. Still hate it. It’s once again, everything you’d expect from a CW “drama” … This is not the Beauty and the Beast from the 80s some of you might remember- the one that had a young Ron Perlman as a lion-man-thing that lived in the sewers. Our current “beast,” as the trailers indicate, isn’t a beast but a super soldier gone wrong who has a bit of a Hulking-out problem. See, when he gets adrenaline (I’m sure that’ll make for some interesting love affair problems later- if this crap even survives that long) he gets mildy ugly in the face and stomps around ..until he decides to not stomp around seconds later. He feels he is a monster despite being a doctor, super soldier, and goes out of his way to save people every day. Oh, and has rippling muscles forever with a perfectly chiseled chest. Fuck that guy. There are so many logic problems in this show, I don’t even know where to begin. I mean, the whole Beast part is a pretty good place to start. But let’s also go with the police detective who wears heels all day, or decides to meet a man in the freakin’ subway and is surprised when she’s jumped by three people seconds later. Add some top-40 tunes, an inner-dialog narrative from our Beauty and you got forty-two minutes of mediocre melodramatic hell. I will do a little jig when this POS gets canceled.

So.. that’s all I can stomach for now. Tune in next week when I think I can finally finish this whole thing off with Nashville, The Neighbors, Chicago Fire, and The Arrow. I’ll give y’all a little teaser too– I’m not looking forward to any of these shows.

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