SMALLVILLE Minicaps / Season 9, Eps. 1-4

The Smallville season 9 minicaps has been brought to you by the color black.

Stewart here…

Last season, the whole Davis Bloome/Doomsday storyline ended with both man and monster separated, and yet, both of them meeting quick demises. But Clark and company still faced a lot of grief over what happened, like Jimmy’s death, Clark and Oliver turning against each other in deciding Davis’s fate, and Clark deciding to ditch being Clark Kent to be a full-time superhero. On the other end, Lois vanished into what we assume is the future, and Tess has heralded the arrival of Zod to Earth. So where do we start up this season?

“I got my shirt at Hot Topic at a buy one, get one half-off sale!”

“Savior”

It’s been three weeks since we last left everyone, and Clark has gotten a new getup to go be a full-time hero in Metropolis. Then the past comes roaring in as Lois returns from whenever she has been, along with an assassin lady in pursuit. While Lois tries to remember what happened to her as she deals with ambitious journalist John Corben (more on him later) and Chloe gets adjusted to her new Watchtower gig, Clark is getting reminded he’s not ready to let go of his friends. I know you’re thinking, “Hey there, didn’t Zod arrive on Earth at the end of last season?”, and yes, he did. The only thing is Zod and the soldiers he’s brought with him are a little lost as to why they don’t have superpowers on Earth like Clark. Hmmm. Odd. I’m sure their prisoner Tess can help them out on that mystery.

“HAIL TEBOW! HAIL TEBOW!”

–Where’s Oliver during all of this? Like most guys who suffered a soul-crushing loss on television circa 2009, he’s working out his feelings in an underground fight club. And the rest of the Justice League is laying low because, they feel bad they messed up in last season’s finale. Oh boo hoo. Would you like some buckets of ice cream to go with that pity party?

–Tess has been willing to play prisoner (and punching bag) to find out more about Zod and still walks away with no info after Zod’s army vanishes from the mansion. Tough break there.

–Weird that lady assassin was sent a year from the future and was meant to kill Clark before he destroyed the world. And also weird that said assassin is among Zod’s men even though her future self is now dead. And even more weird that Lois is having apocalyptic visions of the future. Weird!

–Really Chloe, you want to guilt-trip Clark to save Jimmy from your colossal screw-up last season? Even after Clark has pointed out how meddling with time like that tends to end with a worse result?

–“I’ve never said this before, but could you dumb that down just a bit?”

“Metallo”

John Corben has what we call “a really bad night” when he gets fatally hit by a truck, and then wakes up with cybernetic implants and a kryptonite heart. Thanks to his implants, his hate for the Blur (he’s all upset one of Clark’s exploits circuitously got his sister killed) gets amplified to murderous levels, and he uses Lois to draw him out. If you guessed “Corben was operated on by one of Zod’s men” as to why this happened, congratulations. You win a toffee chip for that. Also, “Clark Kent” is finally back to work at the Daily Planet.

“You go in for one tattoo of a dragon and THIS happens!”

–Now Chloe’s all irritated that Clark is being nitpicky with what he tells people, like Lois and Jor-El. Someone’s feeling a bit left out of the Clark love these days.

–Lois gets her job back from Tess, even after that fight last season. And even more surprising is how impressed Tess is by Lois’s blackmail attempt. Less surprising is that she’s monitoring Lois’s computer now.

–After the Terminator TV show, Brian Austin Green popping up seems welcome. Who’d have thought it, huh?

–Other Tess news has us discovering other kryptonians have arrived across the world, including one in the House of El crest. Interesting. Also, Tess has a new techie named Stuart. Sorry, but you don’t win brownie points with me, Smallville.

–Lois’s reaction to John’s new chest augmentation seems appropriate: “I’d feel better if you’d put the shirt back on.”

“Rabid”

Clark wakes up ala The Walking Dead to find Metropolis deserted, or not so much “deserted” as “swarming with people who seem to be rabid zombies”. And then we see how this whole thing started, as someone has introduced a kryptonian virus into the city that turns people rabid when they sleep. Well, that someone is one of Zod’s men going off orders to stay quiet, but thanks to the virus, reveals Clark to Zod. That guy’s reward for this info is his head being cut off, so, the moral of this is: DON’T help Zod.

I often imagine this will happen to me after my first experience with Google Glasses.

–Chloe and Clark are kind of okay with letting Dr. Hamilton into their inner circle, because…someone help me here? On the other hand, he’s very finicky about food and his reaction to being carried across town in a second is nothing short of priceless.

–Tess with a sword slicing zombies up is kind of hot. Just putting it out there.

–Are the Daily Planet’s emergency lights just set to strobe and flashing green in the event the power grid is down?

–Oliver torches his Green Arrow suit at the end of this episode (I’m sure he’s got a few lying around, so don’t worry) and hopefully his pill addiction. Also, who’s been monitoring him, anyway?

–Probably a question you don’t hear Clark ask often about being carried off by superspeed: “Do you get motion sickness?”

“Echo”

Remember when Oliver let Toyman take the fall for Lex’s death? Well, Mr. Toyman isn’t very happy about that, and puts Oliver through a sick game to clear his name and to destroy Oliver’s. And Clark briefly gets the ability to hear people’s thoughts, which makes it very helpful in understanding Lois, and helping Oliver stop the Toyman. After the Toyman gets busted, he gets an in-prison project from Tess: Metallo’s kryptonite heart.

Clark Kent: now available to get rid of those pesky facial blemishes.

–Well, kind of bad news: looks we’re in an “Oliver down in the dumps plotline” this season.

–Tess’s mercenary outfit this episode? Rawr. Also, does she know how to politely ask someone to stop tormenting someone she knows: with a bullet to the leg.

–Lois arriving to a black tie party in a giant monster truck? Seems fitting.

–It’s a nice turn that Oliver decides to step off the supposed bomb, and that’s before learning there never was a bomb there. This can’t be good for his sanity.

–“As loud as Lois is, even she can’t speak with her mouth closed.”

NEXT TIME: Oliver gets trapped in another weird game in “Roulette”, Lois and Clark face trouble auditioning for a morning TV show in “Crossfire”, Jor-El appears on Earth in the flesh in “Kandor”, and Clark gets an assist by some Wonder Twins in “Idol”.