My Latest Obsession… Henry Cavill, chapter 1

10 Sep

Every so often I decide to get obsessed over some actor and watch everything they have made. Sometimes this is a good thing, other times not so much. You might recall the posts on Karl Urban and Scott Bakula… those were good (for the most part). Today, I am beginning to share my latest obsession- Henry Cavill. But I want to subtitle this particular post with I Watched This So You Don’t Have To.

I am going to skip over the obvious- Henry Cavill is pretty. That’s a given. And it is certainly something that would entice the review of projects. So let me just jump to the first title I’ll be discussing in regards to Mr. Cavill… Red Riding Hood.

red riding hood poster

And remember my subtitle- I watched this, so you don’t (EVER) have to.

This film was released in 2006 and I’ve seen the poster/cover image so many times over the years, you’d think I would’ve already watched it. But though I love fairy tales, I kept finding reasons not to watch. However, when I decided to watch the films of Henry Cavill this was on the list… so here we go.

she's sooooooo young

she’s sooooooo young

The first thing you need to understand is that from the start of the opening credits it was obvious that this was a bad movie. And not “bad” like Sharknado is bad. I love Sharknado. And its sequels. That’s the kind of bad that is so bad it’s good. This movie… was just bad. Then the first person the audience is introduced to is Clara (Red), a pre-pubescent girl who is busy extolling the virtues of some boy band no one has ever heard with his best friend and discussing the plan to sneak out of the house later that evening. Remember that she is pre-pubescent. This is all kinds of wrong. Anyways, grandma comes over to babysit her and her little brother and convinces them to let her read them a story, from an apparently magical book that changes the story to match their specifications.

With me so far?

Well, I’m about to make it worse. This movie is also… a musical. You read that right. Now, I love musicals. Worked on them, performed in them, been an audience member at them more times than I can count, but… this musical was AWFUL. As far as I could tell, the songs (minus one sung by the wolf) were written for the film. And they should have been cut out of it. I’m guessing they were trying to be contemporary or something but… good lord, it was just awful. One of my cats left the room.

Also, there were so many pieces that seemed to be throw backs to when I was in high school- in the 90s! But this film had to be filmed in the early 2000s… I just… It was bad.

typical mean girls...

typical mean girls…

joey_fatoneJoey Fatone played the wolf. Or werewolf, really. Apparently, the character didn’t pay a gypsy $5 and she cursed him to be a werewolf. It was awkward… especially when he made any play to eat Red… it came off as creepy child molester. And I am pretty sure it wasn’t Fatone’s acting that did that but instead the script itself as it was a constant throughout the movie.

Another issue with the film was that in one way it seemed to want to be a “period” piece but in another it was “present” day with iPods, cellphones, and 10-speed bikes (and ATVs). So… it was confusing. But I guess this goes back to the fact that the storybook altered things by what the kids said, and those two kids were not likely to imagine anything in a period style…

I’m glossing over the fact that every costume the little girl (remember the key word I used to describe her was pre-pubescent) wears is basically the shortest skirt possible and a halter top. For most of the film, while she is “Red”, she basically looks like she is wearing only the red hooded cape, that hits her above mid-thigh. It’s a little difficult to watch and really strengthens that whole child molester thing…

I don't think he's even old enough to legally drink! And he wants to hunt werewolves, pshaw!

I don’t think he’s even old enough to legally drink! And he wants to hunt werewolves, pshaw!

Now, if you’re still reading this you are wondering when the heck I’m going to discuss the Henry Cavill aspect of the film. Well, your wait is over. And the film gets even more creepy. Ugh. Here’s the thing, Red meets Hunter when she is about to get eaten by the werewolf and then he tells he the stories are true, yadda yadda yadda, she is too distracted by his glorious pretty-ness to pay attention. Hunter tells the story of how he became a werewolf hunter after the wolf ate his parents (mom played by Cassandra Peterson- look her up if you do not know who she is!). And Hunter is the only character in period-ish attire, complete with a robin hood hat. It’s ridiculous. So is the fact that he looks like a total baby, I mean… was he even a legal adult? Of course, that doesn’t matter because no matter what he is at least 5 or 6 years older than Red, at the very least. Bring on the creepy child molester vibe. Again. Not so much on his side though- she’s the predator in this situation; he just comes off as a little doofus.

Also, he is the ONLY person in the film with an accent. Not a single other character has one. Not even Hunter’s parents. So where does it come from???

I have to move on because it physically hurts me to think of him in this film.

The special effects are a joke. And don’t tell me that there was no budget- I know people who make short films for fun at home on weekends and they could’ve done better with no budget. When Hunter shoots at the wolf his bullets do this crazy corkscrew thing. With no explanation. I mean, when something like that happens in cartoons, the gun barrel has at least been twisted! I just… what the hell was wrong with the people who worked on this film?

I want to point out that though I said this was a musical, Cavill does not sing. He does join in on the dance party in the finale and it is as bad as you think it would be.

There are some awful films that are improved by the audience being intoxicated when viewing. This movie is so bad that I don’t even think that would make it palatable.

There is nothing good here. Nothing. Even with my current obsession regarding Henry Cavill, he wasn’t even remotely able to save the scenes he was in… It was just creepy (except the flashback… but the special effects ruined that one).

So remember my subtitle- I watched this, so you don’t have to.

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